update - yes i am still here!

A lot has been going on and so I don't really know where to start as far as updating goes. I guess the best thing to do is take a few steps back and move forward on the timeline ...

I believe around the time of my last post I was out and about with friends drinking a lot and (barely) living off of my unemployment. My car was, and had been for awhile, running badly. I stressing over a job, because I noticed that my unemployment was running low and if I didn't find a job soon, I would be screwed. I also needed to register my car (hm, lets see back in FEB) and needed it to pass smog.

Some dramz went down between friends and basically - the group got smaller. I cut some people out of my life a little, and some a lot. I was getting stressed out and annoyed by people and it was hard for me to focus on the things that I needed to. I'm sure that anyone who is reading this is thinking, "Was I one of those people?" I'm sure the answer is, no. If you know me at all, I don't hang out much and usually disappear for months at a time before returning. It is just how I am. I also hate when people need to know what I am doing or get that like needy thing going on and they ask why we haven't hung out or when WILL we hang out and blah blah blah. Really is a huge pet peeve and usually, about 90% of the time, makes me want to talk or hang out with that person even LESS. ANYWAY, so haven't been hanging out much, plus was drinking more than I usually do (which is not often AT ALL) and it just wasn't making me feel very well. I'm a weed girl, and really, its so much better in so many ways.

So while not hanging out that much, I wasn't about to just sit at the OC all day and night. I got my car fixed - finally. It was running on three cylinders, for, who knows how long. The third cylinder, which was all fucked up, was causing tons of issues so after a large amount of money, it was finally fixed. Once my car was fixed I got the hell out of town and took a nice vacation. In fact, it was better than nice - it was great. Ive been on a few trips recently, all great ones. I also got new tires for my car. Once the windows are fixed (which I have the parts for that ...) my car will be like new (when I got it). This has been one of the best things because you don't even know - that thing is 90% of most of my stress. I'm still making payments on the thing so, until that is done, it will still be most of stress ...

I went around turning in applications and all that and for awhile didn't hear ANYTHING back. I was getting really down and after an interview, and being told that by Weds I would know, on Thursday I was pretty down. Actually, it was kind of funny because on Weds I was waiting and waiting around the phone and when it did ring I got pretty amped - but as you don't know my front phone screen is broken so I can never see who is calling me - so I picked it up and it was a freaking WRONG NUMBER! When I am waiting for an important call of course I get a wrong number. How often do people even get wrong numbers anyway? So I was upset and it sucked because I really felt like I had landed the job at the interview but Thursday rolled around and I got the call - that I got the job! So I have a job, though I haven't been able to start yet so ...

I also have been trying to get back into good shape. Well. I have never really been in good shape. I guess once in my life - when I was in the Military, but that was brief (being in, not being in shape). And even then I was in the last running group. Running is just not for me. Which sucks, because it is the best way to stay in shape. I am pretty sure I have asthma but no-one really believes that they just figure I'm lazy (thanks guys). I have lost weight, a lot of it, in the past few months. Some people notice - mostly my family - and some people kind of give me "Ooh .. yeaaah ..." look. Which is fine, I notice the difference and that is all that matters. I do notice that I still have some extra weight to get rid of and that would be awesome. I mostly want to start running and getting in shape though just so I am - in shape. I want to be able to run away from someone is I have to, or have muscles enough to beat someone up if needed. Apparently I live in a constant state of fear? Hahaha, naw, I just want to be ready for Z-day (and frankly, who doesn't?).

I am also trying to get my MIND in shape. What the hell does that mean, you might ask? Well, I have always been the type of person who felt that knowledge is incredibly important. I don't mean the type of knowledge like, how many bones in the human body or mathematical problem solving skills, though that would be awesome of course - but I like to know the HOW-TO kind of stuff. Especially when it comes to survival shit. I want to know the best ways to build a shelter, start a fire, the different and best types of fires, how to use a CB, how to skin an animal, how to fix a car, different types of knots, different types of fresh water and salt water fish, what to do in case of a flood, how to change a flat tire, and a bunch of shit like that. Most of it, I do know. Actually, I won't lie - I think I know a lot, ESPECIALLY for a girl. I like having this type of knowledge because it really gives me confidence. I have confidence that I can take care of myself - myself.

Confidence has never been a strong point for me. I always had confidence that I am awesome - I know that, but I never had much confidence in my complete ability and I barely have confidence in my looks. I mean, everyone would like to believe that looks are everything, but come on. With that said, I do know that my confidence levels lately have gone up over 50%. As I said previously, I have become in better shape - which is awesome. I have lost some weight but I have also gained endurance. I don't get out of breath as quickly as I used to. I can't remember the last time it has been like that. I have more energy, I'm not as lazy or quick to be lazy when it comes to certain things. Recently I was told that I am not a wuss at all, which was great to hear. I just really feel as if I can do a lot more now, and I want to do a lot more now as well. It really is a great feeling, and when the Zombies come, you will most likely want to be on my team. I can handle a pistol pretty fucking well I have found.

So, with not too much detail, you can see that things have been going really well. I am happy, and I am almost - really happy. It is all very nice and I have felt very hopeful. Hopeful of many things. School starts next month, and I am not going to lie - I am nervous as hell. I don't even know where my classes ARE. I don't know where I am supposed to park - I am not prepared at this moment, but I will be ...

Tomorrow I am supposed to run. I hope I do it...

i dont know what kind of girl i am

Apparently, there is a certain time in a persons life when they themselves figured out. I kind of thought I had that figured out, as well. I thought that I knew what I wanted and what type of person I wanted to be. I know I want to be a good person and do the right things, but maybe I don't know what those things are? Maybe I'm not as good as I thought I was. I really don't know what kind of girl I am. Am I bitch? Am I a sensitive person? Am I reliable? Am I responsible? Do I stay out of trouble? Do I have morals? I really don't know. 

Humans are supposed to be complex as hell, the most complex beings on Earth. It is obviously true. So I guess I am complex. I can have a lot of different aspects to my personality - and that is fine. I can be a bitch and be sensitive and be irresponsible and be a drug addict and be Vegan and hate lots of people and can be happier alone and at the same time be lonely as hell. I can be all those things, all at the same time. There is nothing wrong with that. I do, of course, want to be happy. Maybe I am happy being a selfish person. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, either. 

drugs.

ive never been into crazy drugs. ive never been into party drugs either. like E or coke or whatever. I am not a big drinker either. The only time drinking even sounds inviting to me is the idea of laying on a beach sipping some rum drink some a pineapple. 

i wish people didnt get caught up in that mess. i wish i never got caught up in the things that i even do. sometimes. i could stop smoking, but i dont want to. so then what am i? a casual drug user? does it make me a bad person? i dont know. i dont think so. 

i view people who dont drink or do drugs as fucking - awesome. i think it is great when people are above that kind of shit. so i guess i kind of feel alittle strange when i do drink and smoke. but thats all i do. i have my own view about other drugs that i will never even touch. so i guess that just makes me - me. 

i think i am starting to really be okay with myself ... 

Being crazy

Speaking with a friend that I haven't talked to in years might have just changed my life. 

There was a point in my life where things changed. I wasn't me anymore. I think something snapped. I think part of me died, even. I think it happened once I was out of the Military. I might have had to grow up too fast; when I wasn't ready. Maybe it fucked me up for good. Maybe it was before that. 

I used to have a lot of passion for things. I was vegetarian and then vegan. I was involved in human rights movements. I had a strong opinion on things, even if I didn't voice it too often (I think I am still that way actually). I felt pretty satisfied with my outlook on life and myself. 

Now how am I. I don't even know how to explain myself. There are things that I am passionate about but I don't believe I express it or are even involved in any of my passions. In fact, my passion became my previous job. That isn't a bad thing or a depressing thing to me but there is something about that. It just doesn't seem like that is how it should be. I used to be involved in my life and the world. Now I read the news and feel like I am involved by talking about current events to people, "Holy shit, did you watch the news about ..." 

I feel as if I am just this insane person whos brain is just getting worse and worse and soon I won't be anything. Just this thing. 

I used to draw everyday. I used to paint and if I wasn't I was thinking of what I COULD be painting or drawing. creating. I don't create anything. I haven't painted anything in months. I can barely sketch. 

It's time for a change and it is time for me to create something. 

Hermit Crab, I wish I was.

Apparently life is full of a bunch of shit and for the most part, can never be too easy. I don't understand it. I feel old. I feel spread thin as fuck. 

Actually, I don't know what I feel right now. 

I think I am going to run away soon, though.

To Do List

There are a number of things that I want to do before I die. In no practicular order, of course:

1. catch and eat coconut crab
2. build a hut
3. fly fish
4. make a movie
5. make dinner for 20 people
6. travel around the United States - California to New York.
7. Get in a car and drive drive drive ...
8. live in Alaska
9. build a small fishing boat (and night fish)
10. swim with dolphins
11. eat tons of food in Singapor

There are more things but I can't really think of them all right; Wu-tang is blasting in my ears so its a bit distracting.

So tonight The Fellowship is causing troubles. Video/Pics soon I am sure.

The Fellowship Part 1

Personally I would have picked different music, but hey.

Note: I am NOT featured in this video.