i dont know what kind of girl i am

Apparently, there is a certain time in a persons life when they themselves figured out. I kind of thought I had that figured out, as well. I thought that I knew what I wanted and what type of person I wanted to be. I know I want to be a good person and do the right things, but maybe I don't know what those things are? Maybe I'm not as good as I thought I was. I really don't know what kind of girl I am. Am I bitch? Am I a sensitive person? Am I reliable? Am I responsible? Do I stay out of trouble? Do I have morals? I really don't know. 

Humans are supposed to be complex as hell, the most complex beings on Earth. It is obviously true. So I guess I am complex. I can have a lot of different aspects to my personality - and that is fine. I can be a bitch and be sensitive and be irresponsible and be a drug addict and be Vegan and hate lots of people and can be happier alone and at the same time be lonely as hell. I can be all those things, all at the same time. There is nothing wrong with that. I do, of course, want to be happy. Maybe I am happy being a selfish person. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, either. 

drugs.

ive never been into crazy drugs. ive never been into party drugs either. like E or coke or whatever. I am not a big drinker either. The only time drinking even sounds inviting to me is the idea of laying on a beach sipping some rum drink some a pineapple. 

i wish people didnt get caught up in that mess. i wish i never got caught up in the things that i even do. sometimes. i could stop smoking, but i dont want to. so then what am i? a casual drug user? does it make me a bad person? i dont know. i dont think so. 

i view people who dont drink or do drugs as fucking - awesome. i think it is great when people are above that kind of shit. so i guess i kind of feel alittle strange when i do drink and smoke. but thats all i do. i have my own view about other drugs that i will never even touch. so i guess that just makes me - me. 

i think i am starting to really be okay with myself ... 

Being crazy

Speaking with a friend that I haven't talked to in years might have just changed my life. 

There was a point in my life where things changed. I wasn't me anymore. I think something snapped. I think part of me died, even. I think it happened once I was out of the Military. I might have had to grow up too fast; when I wasn't ready. Maybe it fucked me up for good. Maybe it was before that. 

I used to have a lot of passion for things. I was vegetarian and then vegan. I was involved in human rights movements. I had a strong opinion on things, even if I didn't voice it too often (I think I am still that way actually). I felt pretty satisfied with my outlook on life and myself. 

Now how am I. I don't even know how to explain myself. There are things that I am passionate about but I don't believe I express it or are even involved in any of my passions. In fact, my passion became my previous job. That isn't a bad thing or a depressing thing to me but there is something about that. It just doesn't seem like that is how it should be. I used to be involved in my life and the world. Now I read the news and feel like I am involved by talking about current events to people, "Holy shit, did you watch the news about ..." 

I feel as if I am just this insane person whos brain is just getting worse and worse and soon I won't be anything. Just this thing. 

I used to draw everyday. I used to paint and if I wasn't I was thinking of what I COULD be painting or drawing. creating. I don't create anything. I haven't painted anything in months. I can barely sketch. 

It's time for a change and it is time for me to create something. 

Hermit Crab, I wish I was.

Apparently life is full of a bunch of shit and for the most part, can never be too easy. I don't understand it. I feel old. I feel spread thin as fuck. 

Actually, I don't know what I feel right now. 

I think I am going to run away soon, though.

To Do List

There are a number of things that I want to do before I die. In no practicular order, of course:

1. catch and eat coconut crab
2. build a hut
3. fly fish
4. make a movie
5. make dinner for 20 people
6. travel around the United States - California to New York.
7. Get in a car and drive drive drive ...
8. live in Alaska
9. build a small fishing boat (and night fish)
10. swim with dolphins
11. eat tons of food in Singapor

There are more things but I can't really think of them all right; Wu-tang is blasting in my ears so its a bit distracting.

So tonight The Fellowship is causing troubles. Video/Pics soon I am sure.

The Fellowship Part 1

Personally I would have picked different music, but hey.

Note: I am NOT featured in this video.

School Days, Fool Days.

Okay. So I  decided to NOT go through with University of Phoenix (online) because of the cost and will now be one of the many going to Moorpark College. This is a good thing. I will be able to afford it and with out getting into a big thing about it it is just for the best. It is funny, and semi-retarded, that after being out of high school (2003, bitches) that I am just NOW going to Moorpark. Usually it is what you do straight after high school. Though, for those of you who remember, I went to the Army straight out of HS. Then got a real job and because of THAT I have an actual idea of what I want to do with my life. Naturally, next step: college. 

College. Majoring in Accounting. I don't start until fall 2008 so until then ... I am chilling on unemployment and tanning. Which I have been slacking on ... damn it. 

Speaking of tanning, if you are still with me, Family is doing a camping trip for all the cousins. I have a shit load of cousins. I am the oldest of course, then my cousin Tyler who is like 16 and then my sister who is 15 then the rest are all younger. Sister and I being the oldest at this camping adventure we are going to have a hard time but I am still excited. Camping at the beach = tanning all day long. My Family also knows how much I love cooking and so apparently we are going to do like an Iron Chef competition? Hahaha, that should be interesting. Sister and I pretty much want to keep it her and I against everyone else. Anyway, I am excited about that. What would be even fucking cooler is if I caught some fish and dug up some clams and found some crabs and had a for real life CLAM BAKE! Oh shit. Anyone else ever done a REAL clam bake???